Time After Time
by MaryamLambert
Summary: Memories of The Doctor haunt Jack at night. Ianto's there to help h im. Better than it sounds. Honest. JackxDoctor JackxIanto R&R Fluff, angst.


_You picture me  
I'm walking too far ahead  
you're calling to me, I can't hear  
what you've said  
Then you say, go slow  
I fall behind  
the second hand unwinds  
if you're lost you can look, and you will find me  
time after time  
if you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting  
time after time ~ Time After Time, John Barrowman._

*

'_I wish I'd never met you Doctor.' _

_Jack leaned forwards and held The Doctor's face in his hands._

'_I was much better off as a coward.'_

_Jack leaned in and his lips met The Doctor's in a firm, soft way. He withdrew, keeping his face cupped in his hands. He held his gaze for a few seconds before releasing him._

'_See you in hell!' He said cheerily, escaping before the reality of his words kicked in. _

*

Jack still remembered the emotion that night held for him. The heartstopping moments when the Daleks prepared to exterminate him. The heartstopping moments he'd thought of The Doctor and The Doctor only. The moment his heart stopped. The moment he lived again.

He remembered the heart-wrenching feeling of abandonment. The feeling that his heart was literally in two. The endless nights filled with crying soft tears, silently, into his pillow.

Jack wasn't normally one to cry. He never even realized how it started.

A memory.

That must've been it. A single memory of The Doctor. So real, so absorbing, that he never even noticed the tears pooling in the base of his eyelids, never mind when one dropped.

He'd waited for him, for _one hundred bloody years_.

Then, when he'd finally found him, he'd run away from him. He tried to pretend he hadn't seen him. He'd ignored him. Of course he denied it. But it was there. In his eyes.

Jack had tried to pretend he was over them, acting like his usual flirtatious self.

*

'_Jack.' The Doctor said warningly._

'_What? I'm just being friendly!' Jack replied indignantly. The Doctor just rolled his eyes. It gave Jack a small burst of pleasure to know that The Doctor was jealous, but only a small one. He didn't really want to make him suffer. _

_He just wanted him back._

_Then again, afterwards._

'_Jack!' The Doctor warned._

'_I was just saying hello!' Jack snapped back, annoyed. If The Doctor didn't want him anymore, why was he being so damn possessive? He was perfectly within his rights to flirt with whoever he pleased. The Doctor was the one who'd abandoned _**him**_, not the other way round. _

*

The whole time they'd spent at the edge of the universe together, the words danced on Jacks tongue, never going further, no matter how much Jack urged them to. They simply wouldn't listen to him. Even when he went into the radiation-flooded chamber, when they'd talked and The Doctor admitted his prejudice against him. Even when they'd been there, those three simple words never made it past his lips.

*

'_What are you doing? The radiation doesn't look like it affects clothes.' Jack grinned and carried on removing his WWII coat._

'_I know, but I might as well look good.'_

*

Jack screwed his eyes shut as he let these memories plague him. He tried to relax his muscles, to find sleep, to let his body melt into the sheets. It wouldn't, he would have to ride out the storm.

He remembered when the Daleks captured the Earth. When they'd all prayed for The Doctor to come rescue them. No one had prayed harder than Jack.

Jack's eyes were so tightly shut, to prevent tears from even having _space_ to form.

That time when, the Earth was somewhere else and the Daleks and Davros were about to break down reality itself and Martha was going to get herself killed and, and…

Jack had way too much on his mind, he always had done.

His many lovers for a start. He truly did love every one of them, but in time they all had to die. And Jack to live on. Every one of them he missed. He tried to think of all of them, he never wanted to forget a single one. If he did, the blame he'd put on himself would be unbearable. He needed them, but they broke his heart.

Speaking of lovers, the warm body beside him stirred and an arm shifted around Jack's hip. He smiled softly, relishing the touch.

He couldn't believe The Doctor was prejudiced against him. He was a Time Lord for god's sake. He was supposed to _understand_. But he didn't.

*

'_So, are you saying, that you're, you're _prejudiced_ against me?' The Doctor frowned._

'_I never thought of it like that!' Jack tugged slightly._

_And, afterwards:_

'_This new regeneration, it's kinda cheeky!'_

*

He'd also been oblivious to Jack's obvious hinting. _Kinda cheeky_ equaled _I like it_. But that didn't add up to The Doctor obviously.

The sleeping form beside him grunted softly and sighed in their sleep.

He hated the fact that all his human lovers had to die. The only other immortal being Jack could think of was The Doctor. The only person he could spend his _entire_ life with, if only The Doctor wanted him too. Which, evidently was not the case. If only there was at least _one_ immortal human as long as it appealed to Jack.

*

'_No, no, no. NO!' Jack yelled, as the blood spread over the front of Michael's shirt. He tore off his own shirt and ripped it into strips. He pressed it down onto the wound, applying pressure._

'_Michael.' He whispered, as his eyes met those of his dying lover._

'_Don't go.' He pleaded, his voice breaking up as blood soaked his fingers._

'_No, _please_, I _need_ you. Stay with me.' He whispered, the first tears growing in his eyes. Michael just smiled sadly, the light slowly fading from his eyes._

'_Jack…' he croaked._

'_Yes Michael?' he replied quickly, a teardrop or two falling away from his eyes. Michael's hand slid forward and found Jack's. Jack grasped it tightly, as if letting go meant he would die. He breathed in once more._

_Michael's hand suddenly slumped and his eyes were dead. Jack refused to let go of his hand. For the first time in a year, his tears fell thick and fast onto Michael's body. He hooked his arms behind him, and lifted him up slightly, pressing one last kiss to his cold, dead lips._

*

No. This couldn't happen. He was already thinking of The Doctor, he didn't need to add another lost lover to the mix.

Memories of Michael made his tears fall harder, staining the pillowcase. They had been so good together. _So_ good. And then he was snatched away from Jack. Just like everybody else.

*

_By the time the police arrived, Jack was all out of tears. He refused to leave Michael's side despite the many protests of the police officers. Strong arms grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back. He allowed himself to be dragged, his eyes never leaving Michael. His breath was broken and shuddering and a small whimpering sound escaped his mouth at irregular intervals. Hardly ever did he let death get to him this way but right now he was sick of it. He was sick of the fact that Michael had been taken from him so quickly and in such a cruel way. An unimaginable sadness buried itself in the pit of his stomach. It would never leave._

*

Jack shivered slightly, despite being firmly wrapped up in sheets and in very close proximity to another warm human form.

It wasn't fair. End of. He loved Michael still. He loved The Doctor. He looked at the warm body beside him. He loved Ianto Jones too. He smiled softly when he remembered how he kept on turning him down and now look how far they were.

*

'_By the way, I _really_ like you coat.' Even though his back was tuned and there was a Weevil on his shoulder, he half-shrugged, meaning, _obviously_. _

_He really was a vain twat sometimes._

*

Ianto Jones in question was lying very still, breathing in and out rhythmically. Jack watched him, seemingly transfixed by the slow motion of Ianto's ribcage rising and falling. More tears spilt from his eyes every few of Ianto's breaths. It was all The Doctor's fault. The Doctor, The Doctor, The Doctor.

*

'_The Doctor, when I find him, he'll fix me. When I find The Doctor, everything will be perfect. You wait 'till I find The Doctor, first I'm going to kiss him, then I'm going to kill him. The Doctor, The Doctor, The Doctor.' She finished mockingly. The weird lady who kept killing him, trying to find out about The Doctor and then to bloody _employ_ him, the nerve! Killing someone repeatedly was not good for getting them to like you. Jack struggled a bit. His current position was very uncomfortable._

_He didn't even know _why_ he was defending The Doctor so much. It was true, he loved him still. But abandonment too, was not good for gaining likeability._

*

'I know you're awake.' Ianto's voice snapped him out of his reverie. Ianto's eyes stayed closed and he maintained his peaceful expression so it looked like he was sleep-talking. Jack tried to stay quiet, it wouldn't do for Ianto to see him in his present state, in one of his rare emotional breakdowns. No such luck.

'Jack, why aren't you answer- oh my god, Jack you're crying!' he said opening his eyes. Jack still didn't answer, the tears in his eyes said it all. Ianto gathered Jack in his arms and pulled him into his chest. He withdrew and his thumb leapt up and wiped Jack's tears away gently.

'What happened?' he asked, clearly concerned. Jack shook his head, not trusting himself to speak yet, he didn't want his voice to break.

'Okay, okay' he said gently, as if talking to a spooked animal. 'It's fine.' He half-sounded like he was talking to himself. A couple of minutes later Jack had regained himself, storing the sorrow away like he always did. Putting on a happy front. A mask.

'I thought you were asleep.' He said, sounding tired and sleep-deprived as well as mildly accusing. Ianto grinned.

'I was, but then I woke up. I'm good at pretending to sleep, comes from years of practice.' There was silence for a minute then Jack spoke again.

'Shall we both go to sleep now?' it sounded more of a statement than a question.

'Yeah,' Ianto mumbled, already half asleep. Jack buried his head in Ianto's chest and allowed his eyes to flutter gently.

'It's alright Jack.' He said in a reassuring tone. 'And when we get up tomorrow, I'll make you a nice coffee.' Jack smiled softly, then it shot off his face with a pang of guilt.

He loved Ianto. He really did.

With all his heart.

But he just wasn't The Doctor.

**The End!**

**Errr…review? **

**Okay, Okay, before anyone has a go at me, I know not all the flashbacks are word for word, I haven't seen those episodes in ages and the sound on my computers spazzed up so I can't watch it on youtube. If you don't recognize the first flashback, it's from "the parting of the ways" where Christopher Eccleston turns into the fabulous David Tenant. **

**I also think this is kinda sad. I was hoping for sweet and angsty. Did I achieve it? You tell me. IN A REVIEW. **_**Pleeease**_**.**

**Err, I think that's it. Did I mention I want you to review? **

**If you're wondering about the title it's kind of about how Jack is always left behind, either by dying or like The Doctor: abandoning him.**

**I wrote this as I lil birthday present to myself buuut… I finished it too quickly and I'm too impatient to wait until my birthday so here it is. There, more reason for you to review. It's actually 12 days until my birthday; I've been counting down since the first!**

**Errrrm, review?**

**Bye x **


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